Podcast #11: 

Today we’re talking about “healing insecure attachment.”    

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Krista and Dr. Barbara


Episode 11- Healing Insecure Attachment

We have spent the last few episodes in our attachment series explaining the different types of insecure attachment.  So far we have discussed avoidant and ambivalent attachment patterns.  

Before we move on to the last couple of attachment patterns, we felt an urgency to offer hope.  

There is healing for those who have been reflecting on their own history as far as pattern of attachment as well as those who recognize these patterns in their relationships with their children now.  Today we are going to talk about how to heal 

So what do you do when you realize that maybe you have unresolved issues that may impact your parenting?

Self-reflection and awareness

Make sense of your own story—never to blame but to understand

Understand the people, the experiences and life circumstances that have shaped our view of ourselves, others, our value, our choices and our responses in life.

One of the most important questions we can ask is “Why do I do what I do?”

Most specifically, why do I relate to my child the way that I do?

The avoidant parent is dismissive.

Why am I dismissive?

  • Chances are there were life circumstances where maybe you were not wanted, not seen, not allowed to speak the truth.  
  • Chances are you were dismissed as a child.  By whom was I dismissed and why? 

The ambivalent parent is preoccupied.

Why am I preoccupied?

  • So preoccupied with their own needs, desires, etc. Their own neediness fill them.

Coming to recognize areas where your own needs weren’t met—everyone does the best they can with what they know –when we know more we do better

Recognize your past if this describes you as a loss and to grieve that loss.  Find forgiveness for those people who were a part of that loss.  Remember that those people did what they did out of their own brokenness.

No parent is perfect.  We all do the best can with what we know. 

If I’m dismissive:

-communicate that sense of being wanted.  Be a student of your child.  Learn them- what makes them sad, happy, etc.  Be attuned to their emotions and respond in a way that is supportive and not rejecting.  

-Looking for ways to communicate “I take great delight in you.”

Examples:

Trouble with physical touch- start with playful touch.

Carving out time.

If you’re preoccupied- get away with your child to be able to focus.

Say no to more things.  Make adjustments in your life to manage your own stress and carve out time for your kids.  

So what about post-partum?

Recognize your child’s whininess as a fear of losing you.

Repair what was damaged.

Always leave with an affectionate goodbye. Never leave them without saying goodbye.  Leave them a symbol of you like a bracelet or a special picture.

Communicate to your child that I hold you in mind.  I saw this…and thought of you. 

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